11) “Can you you make it warmer”

Yes I can make it warmer you and you alone… if it wasn’t 29 degrees outside and everyone else is in flip flops and shorts!

10) “I’ll come back with more information as soon as I have some”

If it’s a technical issue, do I look like a mechanic? Not in this outfit darling.

If it’s a weather related delay, well no I can’t work miracles and make the fog disappear, or make the snow melt.

9) “There’s no need to worry, our aircraft are perfectly safe!”

If you ignore the gaffer tape on the wing, the broken overhead lockers, the faulty toilet, the sink in the galley that keeps over flowing, the dodgy air conditioning units above row 31 and don’t even get me started on the broken seal around door 2L.

8)“This is perfectly normal”

We have to tell you that. If it’s a strange noise, we may have never of heard it before. If it’s a funny smell, we might never have smelt it before. And if it’s really bad turbulence, it’s probably the worst we’ve ever experienced too.

7) “We don’t have any of that left”

Well, first off all it depends what you’re asking me for. We may have still have it, but it will be on the other trolley or all the way back in the galley locked in a canister. So unless you get me in a VERY good mood, which doesn’t happen very often, I won’t be going to check for you. It’s probably best if you just pick something else.

6) “That’s not a problem”

It will be a problem. Whatever you’ve asked to warrant this response means that you will have taken me away from doing something else; probably going for a well-earned rest after waiting hand and foot on you for the last few hours. I’ll be smiling through gritted teeth and counting to ten!

5) “I’ll put that on my flight report”

Well it really depends on what you’re wanting me to write down. If you’re complaining at me and it’s something i’m unable to change, i’ll nod understandingly whilst I listen to your story. Then i’ll tell you that i’ll write everything down so the powers that be can look in to it. If I feel sorry for you I may put down a few words, but don’t expect war and peace.

4) “Thank you for flying with us today”

Yea, yea, you pay our wages. If it wasn’t for you our dear passengers chosing to fly with us, we’d be out of a job – blah, blah. We’ve heard it all before. Truth is, we’d much prefer it if some of you just stayed at home.

3) “I LOVE my job!”

Don’t get me wrong it has it’s perks and there’s certainly worst jobs. But if you ask me that question after i’ve done a month of endless short-haul sectors, NO. But ask me when I’m lay on a beach, sipping a cocktail on a three-day layover in the Caribbean, then yes, I LOVE my job!

2) “I’m fine!”

We’re probably not. We may have been called out for this flight with just 90 minutes notice. Some idiot has just had a go at me in business, all because I accidentally knocked into him with the trolley and the purser’s took his side. I’m probably on minimum rest and I haven’t had anything to eat since I reported hours earlier. Teeth and tits everybody, teeth and tits!

1)“I’m sorry!”

Normally we’re not. Fact of the matter is, whatever it is we’re apologising for, it probably isn’t our fault. So why should we apologise for it in the first place? But we do, as it shuts you up. It makes you think that you have won and makes our life that little bit easier. Yes, I’m sorry for the crap weather that has delayed your flight. I’m sorry for the French ATC and those bloody Spanish baggage handlers who have once again decided to go on strike. I’m sorry for the exploding volcano in Iceland and please accept my sincerest apologies for the buggered engine on this state-of-the-art jet; but believe me I would much rather it be broken here than at 37,000 feet.

 

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